From SWELKER@delphi.comFri Sep 15 20:40:31 1995 Date: Wed, 13 Sep 1995 19:50:42 -0400 (EDT) From: Suzann Reply to: b5-creative@best.com To: b5-creative@best.com Subject: Poetry Help About a month ago I posted a poem called "Our Last, Best Hope". Now I am trying to revise that poem so it doesn't come across as "pablum"( ie: it lets the reader think about it). I'm going to post "OLBH" and then I'll post the revised part( which I'm stuck in the third stanza). If you have any suggestions, comments, *please* let me know. Thanks. "Our Last, Best Hope" (RD#1) by D.L. Welker Ancient ruins spread across a desolate plain, dreams born, broken and lost Scattered across a dark velvet sky like the epic constellations A sign of hope, we gaze toward the stars, not stopping with Babel or *Challenger* Separated by language and grief, we continue to build our last, best hope The stars put it all in perspective, remind us where we truly stand That something in here, out there is greater than universe human "Our Last, Best Hope" (RD#2) Scattered leaves floating in Elebereth's pool, Pompeii's ashes smeared violently across the dream's nostrils It's pulse fading out Orion, Cassiopea, the Pleadies well ordered, while the rainbow divides into seven houses Devoured by pain longing to birth our last, best hope The gray orb mirrors without contemplation, an immensity far greater than man's composition A clashing together like wind chimes at night ????????????????????????????(this is where I'm stumped) In RD#2 I totally rewrote the first line( first stanza) because in RD#1 "Ancient", "desolate" and "dreams born, broken and lost" pretty much talk about the same thing and it ends up repeating itself. The 2nd and 3rd stanzas in RD#1 just come off being too simple and it doesn't trust the material to the reader( ie: it *spells* everything out for the reader). Besides, the 3rd stanza in RD#1 kind of repeats what was said in lines 3 and 4 of stanza 1). In RD#2 line 1, "Elbereth's pool"( for the non-Tolkien buffs) refers to the western sky at night.In the poem I use it to refer to the night sky. In the second stanza I want to present an idea of looking to the heavens( starry sky) and seeing the order and then the coming back to the chaotic frenzy of everyday life trying to make sense of the chaos. In the final stanza I am trying to find a way of saying what I did in the 3rd stanza of RD#1 without "spelling it out" for the reader. Your critiques, suggestions would be *greatly* appreciated. Sincerely, Dawn L. Welker -----------------------------------swelker@delphi.com----- "One equal temper of heroic hearts, made weak by time and fate, but strong in will To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield."-Tennyson,"Ulysses" `[1;33;46mRainbow V 1.19.1 for Delphi - Registered