From: Ruth King Subject: Oh Father 1/1 Date: Fri, 14 Aug 1998 18:49:05 +0100 MIME-Version: 1.0 This little story is set just after 'Born to the Purple'....You can tell I've resorted to re-watching the entire series !!! I stole the title from the Madonna song. Oh Father by Ruth King ruth@snowqueen.demon.co.uk Babylon 5 is copyright Warner Bros. & JMS etc. This story is not intended to infringe on these copyrights. Please do not reproduce without the prior consent of the author. He can't hurt me now. I don't feel anything anymore. Incapable. Ice queen. He can't hurt me now.....He can't..... It's not true, dammit.....not true....The pain won't stop. This is the worst thing he's ever done to me. I fight the tears. This is not the time, not the place. If I can just stop myself......If I don't do it now I'll never cry again. It is time, end of shift. I can walk away. The long night is beckoning. Slow even steps take me from the duties that bind me. They can't know that anything is wrong....won't know....Keep to the routine. That way no one will suspect. Deep even breaths. Walk into the casino, to the bar, order a drink. Sit down. Watch ISN. The numb tedium flows over me. It's working, I can cope with this. I will not let grief overcome me. That would show weakness. The last thing he would want me to be is weak. He made me what I am. Strong.....always strong. I made him proud of me.....proud.... Why couldn't he say he loved me ? If not to the woman, to the little girl who still lives inside. Dushenkanaya. It's not fair. At least no one knows, at least no one can feel sorry for me. Hell....that's not true....I'd forgotten. One person. For a second the memory of his kindness breaks through the thin veneer of self-control. My face is wet. People are trying not to look at me. I have to get out of here. My drink untouched on the bar top. " Lieutenant Commander !" No, not now, GO AWAY ! " Something I can do for you, Mr. Garibaldi ?" "Could I buy you that drink ?" He looked nervous, his hands shoved into his pockets. What did he expect me to do ? " I was just going to bed." " Oh." There seemed to other things he wanted to say. Did I scare him that much ? Was this what I had made myself into ? " I was heading that way myself." We start walking. His long strides matching my own. What does he want from me ? Some descent into hysterics. No. Not Susan Ivanova, she doesn't do that. She's strong. The urge to give into tears is more powerful now. Encouraged by this cautious show of friendship. He just wants to be my friend...... Oh God ! Someone needs to help me. If only I was still on Io. I had friends there. I could have gone to John......Instead I have a man I don't quite know walking beside me. He's a good man. I can sense that. Mama gave me that much. If I reach out ever so slightly I could touch him. Part of me craves the physical, helping to replace the intimacy I could never have from my family. I'm the one who's scared; of him, of my father, of who I am. My hands reach up, freeing my hair from the restraining braid. It falls about my face. He's looking at me, wondering what I'm doing. I don't care. Somewhere within me the little girl is laughing. The woman who watches me from the mirror every morning does not approve. I don't care. I don't..... He's still looking at me. He treats me like a sister, Sinclair treats me like a child.....why doesn't anyone treat me like a woman ? Mama ? The child calls out again. Maybe they're right, I am a child. I need them. " Mr. Garibaldi ?" I ask. " Yes," he seems surprised that I have spoken, after so much silence. I slip my arms about his waist, laying my head against his chest. His heartbeat quickens as he realises what is happening. He strokes my back, my hair. We're still in the corridor. People are staring at us, but I don't care. Not anymore, not for this moment. " Come on," his voice rumbles in his chest. His arms still about me, he guides me into my quarters. " You should sleep," he tells me. But I don't want to. I don't know what I want anymore. I finally let myself cry, here, in my friend's arms. There is only one thing I am sure of.... He can't hurt me now. Ruth